Max Says Have a Very Merry Christmas - 12/24/08

Max and I wish you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

For Dave - 12/23/08

cat loves a mouse @ Yahoo! Video

Rats! - 12/23/08

Got some *good* news today from Florida.  The real estate agent who manages my condo down there sent a cleaning crew in this week to get ready for the Snow Bird coming in January 1st and they found evidence of a major rat infestation!  Now truly I'm sure they do not resemble in any way the cutie in the picture.  I found a picture on line of rats walking around on a white tile floor and it was just too too creepy for me to contemplate the actuality of that scenario and ever return to that place again so I've opted for Ms. Cute as a Button Rat.

The Rat Abatement Specialist said they apparently are hiding out there during the day since its been vacant for awhile and leaving at night to feast in the dumpster.  He's trapping them and removing them which is a 7-day process (remind anyone else of the Pied Piper?) after which they will seal the holes and sanitize the entire unit.  This of course means that I'll lose my renter for January and February as the initial rental was for 2 months.

I now have to write a letter to the condo board and the building management company.  Apparently the building management has not been doing the required monthly extermination or they would have seen the evidence of this bigger problem.  My agent said she was in there about a month an a half ago and everything was fine.

All I can say is EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

A Fun Thing For This Morning - 12/21/08

I borrowed this from my friend TonyJ's site this morning.  What fun!  You can go here and try this with your own name.

You entered: I entered my complete name as given by my parents at birth

There are 15 letters in your name.
Those 15 letters total to 74
There are 4 vowels and 11 consonants in your name.
 
What your first name means:

Welsh	Female	Variant of Carys: Love.
German	Female	Feminine form of Charles.
English	Female	Variant of the French Cherie: dear one; darling. Rhyming variant of names like Meryl and Beryl.

Your number is: 11

The characteristics of #11 are: High spiritual plane, intuitive, illumination, idealist, a dreamer.

The expression or destiny for #11:
Your Expression number is 11. The number 11 is the first of the master numbers. It is associated with idealistic concepts and rather spiritual issues. Accordingly, it is a number with potentials that are somewhat more difficult to live up to. You have the capacity to be inspirational, and the ability to lead merely by your own example. An inborn inner strength and awareness can make you an excellent teacher, social worker, philosopher, or advisor. No matter what area of work you pursue, you are very aware and sensitive to the highest sense of your environment. Your intuition is very strong; in fact, many psychic people and those involved in occult studies have the number 11 expression. You possess a good mind with keen analytical ability. Because of this you can probably succeed in most lines of work, however, you will do better and be happier outside of the business world. Oddly enough, even here you generally succeed, owing to your often original and unusual approach. Nonetheless, you are more content working with your ideals, rather than dollars and cents.

The positive aspect of the number 11 expression is an always idealistic attitude. Your thinking is long term, and you are able to grasp the far-reaching effects of actions and plans. You are disappointed by the shortsighted views of many of your contemporaries. You are deeply concerned and supportive of art, music, or of beauty in any form.

The negative attitudes associated with the number 11 expression include a continuous sense of nervous tension; you may be too sensitive and temperamental. You tend to dream a lot and may be more of a dreamer than a doer. Fantasy and reality sometimes become intermingled and you are sometimes very impractical. You tend to want to spread the illumination of your knowledge to others irrespective of their desire or need.

Your Soul Urge number is: 8

A Soul Urge number of 8 means:
With an 8 soul urge, you have a natural flair for big business and the challenges imposed by the commercial world. Power, status and success are very important to you. You have strong urges to supervise, organize and lead. Material desires are also very pronounced. You have good executive abilities, and with these, confidence, energy and ambition.

Your mind is analytical and judgment sound; you're a good judge of material values and also human character. Self-controlled, you rarely let emotions cloud judgment. You are somewhat of an organizer at heart, and you like to keep those beneath you organized and on a proper track. This is a personality that wants to lead, not follow. You want to be known for your planning ability and solid judgment.

The negative aspects of the 8 soul urge are the often dominating and exacting attitude. You may have a tendency to be very rigid, sometimes stubborn.

Your Inner Dream number is: 3

An Inner Dream number of 3 means:
You dream of artistic expression; writing, painting, music. You would seek to more freely express your inner feeling and obtain more enjoyment from life. You also dream of being more popular, likable, and appreciated.

At Seven Months - The Winter Solstice - 12/21/08

The ancients celebrated the winter solstice as the return of the light.  They knew that after this day the sun began to incrementally bring more daylight back into their lives.  Today also marks for me the seven month anniversary of Warren's passing.  I will use the metaphor of the solstice to remind myself that the light will return to my life as well.

I Worry About Thee - 12/17/08

My great-grandmother Emma Josephine used to say (according to her grandson my Dad anyway), "there is something wrong with everyone except me and thee, and I'm beginning to worry about thee."

At First Sight - 12/12/08

A little poem to mark our 27th Wedding Anniversary which is today.  Happy Anniversary Warren.

At First Sight

Love it was.
I've heard it called the thunderbolt
That instant falling
that opening of an ancient door
and finding home again.

And so I found you
waiting unaware the both of us
for fate to bend in our direction
Oh yes, my heart said, there you are.

C. Jones 12/12/08

Where Was I 34 Years Ago Tonight? - 12/9/08

Where was I 34 years ago tonight?  Let's see, I was at home in Waldorf, Maryland, with my almost 5 year old daughter and my now ex-husband.  I was 10 months into a 9-month pregnancy and the baby was scheduled to be induced the following morning.  I was probably throwing up (as even Jenny remembers from when she was 5, Mommy was throwing up all the time).  It started at 4 days and didn't end until I transitioned in the delivery room (right before delivery).  It was a fun 10 months.  At my doctor's appointment the day before I had threatened to kill myself if they didn't induce the baby.  You see back in the day, they weren't as smart at figuring out just how far along you really were and the doctor's just assumed I was wrong about my dates.  Like any woman has ever not known when the little critter was actually started.  But I digress.  I think I was at least as big as a house, maybe bigger and very, very uncomfortable.

The next morning we traveled to D.C. to Greater South East Hospital and I was was given the drug to start contractions.  At some point in time they gave me an epidural for pain and put it in a little too high on the spine.  The doctor said "If you have any trouble breathing, let someone know" and then he left the room.  WTF?  Isn't breathing something they should be monitoring if it might be an issue?  Luckily for both of us it didn't become a problem.  After only seven hours my son Dave was born.  What I remember about the delivery room was that it was so quiet.  Dave was born with his eyes wide open and looking around.  He didn't cry right away but he was fine.  He was probably thinking WTF!  (Sorry, I seem to be loving that phrase tonight.)  The reason I said after ONLY seven hours is because his sister took from 6:00 a.m. on a Monday morning until just after 3:00 a.m. on Wednesday morning to leave the mothership.  Thirty-three hours!!  Seven hours was a walk in the park after that.

When Dave was a week old, the top layer of his skin peeled off which is something that happens to babies that stay too long in the womb and their protective waxy coating wears off.  These days they wouldn't let mother's go that far past their due dates as there is too much risk to the fetus.

He was 9 pounds, 3 ounces.

Messages - 12/5/08

I was listening to my future daughter-in-law's show on Blog Talk Radio yesterday morning and she and her co-host Kate had a guest on the show who is a medium (Lizzy Starr).  Usually the guests who come on don't or won't do readings on the air, but apparently Jen's husband who died in 2004 came in very strongly and a reading broke out for Jen, and then for another woman who works on the show and then for me.  Jen actually asked the medium if there was someone there for me as I had suffered a loss in May.  Jen also said that since coming into David's family she has learned what being in a family really means as she feels so loved and accepted and already considers me the Mother she wished she'd have had.  I was very, very touched by that.

There were some things the medium said that I didn't understand until later.  She said my husband was saying something about curlers, did I have curlers in my hair?  Well no.  However later I remembered that just this week I was wondering if I still had curlers or whether I'd thrown them out and then I found them under the sink in the bathroom.  Then she said something about were we high school sweethearts.  Of course that wouldn't have been possible because of the difference in our ages, but I think she was just misinterpreting that.   Warren always called me his child bride and I'm not sure if that colloquialism is used in the U.K. as well as here.  She told me that I wear his ring and that makes him happy.  I wear his wedding ring on my left hand between my wedding band and my engagement ring.  The big, big, big validation that I was getting message from Warren was when she told me "he says to tell you he's building you a house."  Well I just lost it right there.  I have a thing for houses that are two stories with a wrap around porch.  The kind of house I always wanted but never had.  Before he died he said he was going to build my "two stories and a porch" on the other side.  No one knew that but he and I. 

Jen had also gotten a message for me the night before that but was afraid to tell me.  She doesn't usually get information like that and I think she was a little freaked out.  He told her that the other night when I thought I'd felt someone touch my cheek, it was him (and I did feel that by the way) and also he wants me to stop crying myself to sleep as he is fine.

That was a lot to take in in one day.   I'm happy/sad.

Jen is bringing so much new energy into the lives of this family.  Its like she flipped a switch that has energized us in so many ways.  She and my daughter are becoming fast friends and now Jenny is doing paranormal investigations with Jen and Dave and the rest of their team.  We're meeting so many interesting people through her.  She has truly been a blessing to us.

There are TV documentaries in the works for next year and a movie too.  I will let you know when things will be aired in case you're interested.

Food for the Soul - 12/4/08

Poem: "Broth," by Richard Foerster, from Trillium (Boa Editions).

Broth
Some days we cannot help
but stand, chilled to the marrow,
and so let the water brim
with whatever bits we find at hand,
then ease into the kettle the wrecked keel
of a chicken—how like an alchemist
anyone intent on making soup.

The onion, halved then quartered,
separates into a lifetime
of crescent moons, and the carrot's
bright disks float like so many risings
gathered into a single day. Precise,
but not precise. It's not so much practice
as instinct to know that six

peppercorns are enough to pique
the senses, or that a trickle
of salt, rolled from the palm, honors
the one that bore us and will swallow
us again. Somehow we learn
that the parsley must be bitter
as the earth after Eden and one smatter

of thyme is enough to soothe the soul.
We do not think twice about adding
the bay leaf with its tincture of poison.
When we ache, we'll gladly shiver
to stir the broth, then sip, trusting
in the delicate balance of the common-
place to exact the cure. 

Perhaps Love - 12/2/08

John Denver & Placido Domingo

Happy Thanksgiving Tomorrow - 11/26/08

Tomorrow we'll all be busy with family for Thanksgiving so I wanted to spread a little cheer today with the help of one very funny old lady "Maxine".  Enjoy.



And finally a note for "Black Friday".

At Six Months - 11/21/08

I've written a poem to commemorate the sixth month since Warren's passing. The last few days have been good ones, but overall this has been the hardest time yet. I've heard that this place in grief is called the pit and I can now understand why.



A Dark Place

Half a year gone already.

Spring turned into Summer then Autumn,

Winter is coming on fast.

Where you once stood beside me

There is an empty space,

An empty place at the table,

An empty half of the bed.

I've taken your name off of things.

Your clothes are gone except for your baseball cap which hangs by the door.

When I put it up to my face, I can still breathe you in.

A thousand daggers hide in ordinary things.

The things that changed, the things that haven't changed, both cut the same.

How can I still be living when so much of who I was is gone?

Hollowed out and insubstantial;

Grief leaves a mark on the landscape,

Like glaciers, inexorable and unforgiving, cold.

Half a year gone.

Half a year gone.

Half a year gone.

by C. Jones, Nov. 2008

Happy Birthday to Me - 11/20/08

This tote bag was made for me by my amazing artist friend Robin.  I'm not sure if you can see the amazing detail of all the pieced leaves and the crow, but trust me when I tell you,  this is incredibly beautiful.  Thank you Robin.

I had expected to feel sad today, but instead I'm feeling very grateful to have so many loving friends and family members who care for me.  I am truly blessed.

Yesterday I went out to lunch with some of my ex co-workers.  I don't think any of them are running from the law, so I'm going to post our picture from yesterday.  I wish I could say I was *pretty in pink*.

Tonight my daughter and granddaughter are coming over and bringing pizza for dinner and Saturday we're having dinner with my son and his significant other.  My Mom and I celebrated when I saw her on Sunday.  Birthday's can last a long time if you play your cards right.

So now I'm 62 just in case you're wondering but were afraid to ask.  I'm not old, but I'm getting there.

This Will Drive My Daughter Crazy - 11/15/08

Windows is Shutting Down

by Clive James

Windows is shutting down, and grammar are
On their last leg. So what am we to do?
A letter of complaint go just so far,
Proving the only one in step are you.

Better, perhaps, to simply let it goes.
A sentence have to be screwed pretty bad
Before they gets to where you doesnt knows
The meaning what it must be meant to had.

The meteor have hit. Extinction spread,
But evolution do not stop for that.
A mutant languages rise from the dead
And all them rules is suddenly old hat.

Too bad for we, us what has had so long
The best seat from the only game in town.
But there it am, and whom can say its wrong?
Those are the break. Windows is shutting down.

"Windows Is Shutting Down" by Clive James from Opal Sunset: Selected poems, 1958–2008. © W.W. Norton & Company, 2008.

Cathedrals of the Forest - 11/5/08

My Furniture Builds - 10/31/08

I decided to post pictures today of the two furniture builds that I had done.  One for the office/guest room and one for the den/computer room/guest room.  When you live in a condo, every space must serve multiple purposes.  Overall I am quite pleased with the furniture.

Den:

The office:


I'll be leaving later this afternoon for a weekend women's retreat.  Its a wooded location so I'm looking forward to seeing the leaves and just being in among the trees on what should be a beautiful fall weekend.

Have a good weekend yourselves.

p.s.

For Bennett who wanted to see the "painting" in the first picture.  I think Megan forgot the "cool" color rule for a few minutes when the red crept in.

How to Give a Pill to a Cat or Dog - 10/30/08

How To Give A Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from back yard.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1.  Wrap it in bacon.

2.  Toss it in the air.

Meet Max - 10/30/08

This is Max.  He came to me through an in-family adoption (my future daughter in law is allergic to long haired cats).  He's 14 and very affectionate.  If he wasn't he might be in trouble as he insists that I get up at 7:30 every morning.  Anyone who knows me well, knows I am not a morning person.

I just love this fur baby.

At Five Months and Three Days - 10/24/08

It occurred to me today that the 21st slipped by and I didn't remember that that marked five months since Warren's passing. I can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Its not that I didn't think about him that day, I do every day. I just forgot that it was the anniversary.

I called the cemetery office this week to inquire as to when the grave marker would be placed on the grave. I guess they give the ground time to settle some. I was told (surprise, surprise) that his was the next one scheduled to be put in and it would happen this week (it didn't) or next and that they would call me.

There were times this month when I felt a real need to be by myself. I still need that quiet time but this week I've been out more. Next weekend I'll be attending a women's retreat from Friday evening through Sunday at lunch. I'm hoping that I'll be able to be fully present for that and not feel a need to withdraw again.

On the plus side I've learned how to use an electric drill and even how to use it as a screw driver. I'm sure that will come in handy some time although it didn't help me much trying to put those new kitchen chairs together. I did one but its not quite right. I'm going to get some help to finish those up.

I tried "Freecycle" for the first time and got rid of the metal filing cabinet that I had. It just got picked up a few minutes ago. I've got the Salvation Army coming again on Tuesday to take the old computer furniture away. Things are moving along on my never ending remodeling of the apartment.

What Cats Do When Humans Aren't Looking - 10/23/08

They use up your minutes.



The read your emails.



They dust your mini-blinds (well sometimes you actually see them do this).


They fight world terrorism.


They dress up for Halloween.

My Questions for the Day - 10/22/08

My Questions of the Day:

1. Why did the roomba stop working under the middle of the bed????

2. Why do the new kitchen chairs have to be assembled? by me?

3. Why can't the Salvation Army come pick up the extra furniture in the living room before my dinner party Friday night?

4. Where does all this dust come from?

5. How did I get a cat, and why does he think I need to get up at 6:30 a.m.?

Please Read the Order Before Staining the Furniture - 10/16/08

Yesterday I finally got a call that my furniture was ready for delivery. This is the furniture I was having built for the den and the office. The man said, "you're black furniture is all done." I said, "I had two separate furniture builds. Is the other one ready too." He said, "I only see one order." I said "they're both on the same order form." He looks and says, "yes I see that now." Let me call you back in a few minutes. It was more than a few minutes, but he did call back and "Houston we have a problem!" It turns out that indeed that piece of furniture was built and ready too, but the fabricator hadn't noticed that the second build had a different finish specified; an antiqued oak finish. The good news is that they tell me it won't take as long to rebuild it because they've done it once before. The bad news for them is, they'll have to try to sell the custom piece to someone else, and of course I have to wait longer to get the office finished.

Tomorrow the den computer furniture will be delivered and then I have to figure out how to reconnect all the components back up once they are moved to their new locations and Megan will be here as there is no school. She's not going to be happy that she won't be able to play on the computer in there all afternoon. I think I'll get her to put all her video games away in their new drawers.

After her Mom gets off work, we're going to my son's for dinner so we can meet Jen's kids who are visiting for the weekend and also see the new paint colors and flooring. Jen and Dave have been very busy sprucing up the place. I did get a chance to meet Nicholas (Jen's son) last night when he and David came and picked up the diabetic cat Scamper (the cats were here again while the flooring was being done). He is a very nice young man! I was impressed by him. The other cat, Max (the long hair), will be here until the kids go back home. One of her daughter's is very allergic too.

Scamper did allow me to give him a shot yesterday evening. I think he was feeling really bad and knew the shot would make him feel better.

Have a lovely day.

Drowning - a metaphor 10/12/08

Drowning

I am sleeping with the fishes. 
I'm underwater. 
I am drowning. 
There is no air to breathe; no hope of air. 
Going down and down,
falling further from the light
towards a darkness that invites me in.

Everything that ties me to the land
weighs me down in my descent.
Helping hands can't quite reach my own.
I don't try to reach for them.
I don't want their help,
I seek only one hand in the darkness below.

by Cheryl J 10/12/08

Autumn's Changing Colors - 10/1/08

Yesterday I decided I would try to paint the office since I'll have a new piece of furniture arriving for that room in another week or so.  After starting the job, it quickly became apparent to me that my painting days may be over.  I wasn't able to climb on the ladder above the first step; it just didn't feel safe.  So I painted what I could reach and called Mr. Handyman (a franchise) to come in today and finish the job for me.  He will also paint the guest bedroom that the office alcove is part of.  It will be in a slightly lighter sage green.  I suppose tomorrow's job will be putting the room back together and washing and hanging the curtains again.  I'm beginning to think this house makeover I'm involved in might never end. (Despite how it looks color wise in this picture, the throw on the bed actually does match the green on that wall).


I recently purchased a new bed for the other guest room (seen below here).  I love the bed but it does overpower the room a little.  I have not decided on a color for this room yet.  The spread on the bed is a giant "granny square" that I crocheted when my daughter was a little girl.  I'm liking all those colors right now.  I am thinking of painting that night stand black and taking the one on the left out of the room.  The chest at the end of the bed belonged to Warren's Grandfather.


If its not too late in the day when the painting is done, I'm also having him drill some more holes on the inside of my TV armoire so that I can put the shelves in it that came with the thing.  For some reason the manufacturer didn't drill the support peg holes the whole length of the inside.  Then at least the shelves won't have to go sit the garage, they'll be in the cabinet and out of the way; plus I'll get an extra little shelf at the top to put CD's or something.  Perhaps I'll take a picture of that and post it later today once its done.

Stupid Human Tricks

Today there are 3 cats in my house but I'm hoping by nightfall there will be only 2.  K-D has been here 10 days and that is ENOUGH, but I digress.  One of my son's cats, Scamper, is a diabetic and requires 2 shots of insulin a day.  When he's been here in the past I've been able to give him his shots with no problems.  This time he is determined that I am not going to be able to do it.  I try to hold him down and he growls and hisses and gets away from me.  The trick is to get the needle just under the skin and not inject into the muscle.  Last night I got the needle in and started to push the plunger and he moved and the needle went through his skin on the other side and into my finger.  I pulled the needle out but 3 units of insulin were gone from the needle.  I don't know if I got them or Scamper got them.  I suspect it was me as the finger was burning.  My daughter thought that was hilarious and texted her brother who is in Indiana for the weekend who then proceeded to call me and tell me to call the doctor.  I don't know about you but I don't think I could get a doctor on the phone on a Friday night.  I told him if I started to feel strange, I'd call 911.  I decided to be proactive though and went and had some ice cream just in case the old blood sugar took a nose dive.

This morning I attempted to give the shot to the cat again with no luck and managed to prick my finger once more.  This time there was no missing insulin in the syringe.  I figure when the cat goes into a diabetic coma I'll be able to get a shot into him.

That is my stupid human trick for the day.

At Four Months - 9/21/08

I'm still working on my house.  I bought paint to paint the office before the new furniture arrives but I haven't done it yet.  I'm baby sitting yet another cat; one belonging to old friends of Warren's.  He'll be here until next Saturday a total of 10 days.  My son's two cats will be joining the party on Wednesday night and that should prove really interesting.  Speaking of my son, he has found "the one" so there will be a daughter-in-law in my future.  Her name is Jen (as is my daughter's).  Those of you who remember the Bob Newhart Show where he was an inn keeper, will understand the fun I will have saying "This is my daughter Jennifer and this is my other daughter Jennifer."  Remember the Darryl's?

The pain of grief is changing somewhat and perhaps not in a way you would expect.  Knowledge of the foreverness (at least on this plane of existence) of the separation is more real to me now.  It catches me when I see his pictures or think of him during the days and nights.  And yet, and yet sometimes he is here, so close I can feel him; no separation at all.

One night last week the bedroom was full of spirits who were trying to get my attention.  Suddenly Warren was sitting on the bed and leaning over me saying "I'm protecting you now" and all the rest of them went away.  I fell asleep in his energy that night.  I am so incredibly grateful for the contact I do have with him.

"Time does not bring relief..."

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year's bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide!
There are a hundred places where I fear
To go,--so with his memory they brim!
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, "There is no memory of him here!"
And so stand stricken, so remembering him!

Edna St. Vincent-Millay

Happy Birthday Warren - 9/3/08

A Birthday

Something continues and I don't know what to call it
though the language is full of suggestions
in the way of language
but they are all anonymous
and it's almost your birthday music next to my bones

these nights we hear the horses running in the rain
it stops and the moon comes out and we are still here
the leaks in the roof go on dripping after the rain has passed
smell of ginger flowers slips through the dark house
down near the sea the slow heart of the beacon flashes

the long way to you is still tied to me but it brought me to you
I keep wanting to give you what is already yours
it is the morning of the mornings together
breath of summer oh my found one
the sleep in the same current and each waking to you

when I open my eyes you are what I wanted to see.


Poem: "A Birthday," by W. S. Merwin from Flower & Hand (Copper Canyon Press).

My New TV Armoire - 8/27/08

Here it is in my house.  Not much difference I have beige walls and carpet.  This home is still a work in progress.

I just love this thing!

I Take It Back - 8/27/08

I take back the almost mean thing I said about AAA the other day. I've since discovered that their real worth isn't in emergency car repairs or towing, its discounts on everything else. The one year subscription to AAA service cost me $65.99. This week alone I've saved close to $170 dollars on AAA discounts I got at the service station, and my eye exam and new glasses at Lenscrafters! I know you can also get discounts on hotels and rental cars with that card too. Woohoo!! And the best part?? I don't have to use an AARP card which would remove any shadow of a doubt about my real age.

Delayed Maintenance - 8/25/08

As you know I've had to stay pretty close to home over the past few years because of my husband's illness so I haven't been taking care of maintenance of me very well. I guess its catching up to me. On Friday evening the stem on my glasses broke off at a hinge. I decided that I'd go over to Lenscrafters first thing Saturday morning to see if I could get them fixed. When I got down to my car it wouldn't start. It just clicked. Uh oh! I did what any red-blooded American widow would do, I called AAA. They arrived in a record 30 minutes. They checked out the battery and said it was fine, just drained. They said I must have left a door partly open or something (I didn't by the way). They jumped started the car and told me to run it for 30 minutes to recharge the battery, but they noticed I was almost out of gas so I should drive it to the gas station, keep it running while filling it, and then let it sit running for 30 minutes. Funny it had said I had 19 miles left when I'd parked it on Tuesday. So I went to the gas station and started pumping gas and the car quit. I proceeded to finish filling the tank and then tried to start it again, but the car was having none of that. Since I was stuck blocking a gas pump, I figured they'd be inclined to help me at the station and sure enough they came out to jump start the car. I explained to him what the AAA guys had told me and he said I should pull the car into the service bay and let him check it out because "those guys are tow truck drivers and wanna be mechanics but they weren't mechanics". He jump starts the car, takes his gadget off the battery and I start to pull out and the car stops again. He he puts the charger back on and leaves it on while I drive into the bay. It turns out the battery was dead and gone. He told me that factory batteries generally only last 2-3 years so and if I got 6 years out of it, "that battery didn't owe me a thing." So I got a new battery. I came home and cancelled the appointment I had at the car dealer's on Monday to have some routine maintenance done and check out the battery. Apparently even though it was acting fine prior to Saturday, my "spidey senses" were telling me that time was up! I took it back to the service station this morning to have them do the routine work. They are a block from my house and I walked home after I dropped it off.

I'm trying hard not to think that AAA was wasted money to join because without their initial jump start, I wouldn't have gotten where I needed to go to get the car fixed.

On Sunday I thought I'd go to Lenscrafters but realized it was the day before school starts in this county, and they're located in the mall. I didn't want to join the insanity. Instead I called and made an appointment for Tuesday morning to get my eye exam there and hopefully new glasses in a reasonable amount of time. I wasn't sure Friday night when I went to bed how I was going to function without my glasses as I can't read anything without them anymore unless the letters are as big as trees. I woke up Saturday morning thinking about soldering them. I think my dear departed husband was trying to help me from the other side, sending me pictures of his soldering iron. Of course I have no idea where that is anymore and played with the idea of using the hot glue gun too, but while searching for the soldering iron, I came across black electrical tape. How geeky is that!! So I've got them taped together and that is working quite well.

I guess I need to schedule some medical appointments for myself too before body parts start falling off. I get the message Oh Universe. The time has come to take care of Cheryl.

The new TV armoire that I ordered for the living room is arriving tomorrow afternoon. I noticed last night that it is now on sale for $400.00 less than I paid for it. My daughter told me to call their customer service department and have them give me a refund so I called this morning and they told me to call back within 30 days once I've received the piece and ask for a price adjustment. That was a nice surprise. I'll be more likely to shop from them again than if they'd said too bad for you lady. (Pottery Barn in case you're interested). I'd had my eye on that piece of furniture for over a year and decided I'd better order it before they quit selling it. I hadn't seen anything I liked as well.

I've been thinking about going to Florida for a few weeks this Fall but where my condo is they received 33 inches of rain in the course of 3 days with "Fay". I haven't heard yet, whether the building we're in there took on water or not. Since the building is ocean front its on a little higher ground than the houses a block away. Thank goodness our unit is on the 3rd floor. I'm sure the beach eroded quite a bit during all that too. I may have to put off my trip until Spring.

At Three Months - 8/21/08

Today is the 3-month anniversary of Warren’s passing.  I had hoped I’d have reached a place of acceptance by now, but it is a tenuous cease-fire at best.  Some days are fine, some are just really sad.  I try to keep busy, but there isn’t always enough to fill the days.

My Granddaughter goes back to school on Monday so I’ll have more time on my hands and I won’t be responsible for anyone else’s well being.  I may bottom out which may be a good thing.  There is no place to go but up from the bottom of your sorrow is there?  Please don’t feel sorry for me.  This is exactly where I should be at this point in time, exactly where I need to be.  There is no quick fix available; grief must be endured until it fades with time.  In truth I don’t want it to fade away too quickly as that would devalue what has been lost.  

Grief is one of the fundamental truths of the universe.  Because we can love, we can mourn the loss of it.  It can break us, change us, but it always transforms our lives into something different and hopefully stronger.  Stronger for having survived it; stronger for being able to say where do I go from here?   So you see I am moving forward.  I am laying the ground work for this new life of mine.  I have friends and family that care about me; I’m not alone in the world.  I have everything I require to go on and so I shall.

1964 A Good Year - 8/14/08

Apparently 1964 was a good year for me.  This picture was taken by my folks the evening of my Senior Prom.  I'm of course more senior now than I was then.

A Bump in the Road - 8/12/08

Things were going pretty good here until a week or so ago.  I was  cleaning out the hall closet and found Warren's running shoes.  I decided that no one would really want someone else's stinky old running shoes so I threw them out.  That small action opened up the flood gates again.  Those shoes were such a reminder of him as a strong, healthy man.  The last time he wore them was walking on the beach in Florida in April 2007.  That was also the last time he really felt well.  

Grief is such damn hard work.  Just when you think you're making a little progress, something pulls the rug out from underneath your feet again.  There is still a pair of his shoes sitting the the foyer and his hat is on the hall tree.  I don't know when I'll have strength enough to remove them.  They allow me to pretend at some level that things are normal.   But I must confess to you that I'm having a hard time coming to terms with this new normal.

Overconfidence - 8/4/08

My daughter sent me some seriously funny "Motivational Posters" today.  This is one that I can post without offending anyone.

A New Home for My Books - 7/31/08

I recently got rid of a lot of extraneous furniture that was clogging my space and stifling my energy.  Two of those pieces of furniture were my bookcases.  I packed the books up in plastic bins and plastic shopping bags and had them stashed in several rooms.  On Sunday I went shopping for new bookcases (I had two, but really needed 3) and I happened upon a sale.  Since I purchased one of the floor models, I got 25% off.  My new bookcases are solid oak, have closed cabinet doors on the bottoms of each unit and the whole system measures 96” wide by 84” high.  I should have plenty of space for all of my books now.  I should even have room to grow; and God knows I’m not about to stop buying books!  I’m looking forward to having the books all in one place instead of stashed all over the house.

I will really attempt to keep my collection down to what can fit in the new book home and regularly donate books.  I think it was in the early summer of 2007 that I donated a ton of books to the patient library at NIH.  That felt really good to know that they might bring pleasure to someone undergoing chemo or some other serious medical interventions.  It also serves the family of the patients.  Anyone who has spent time in hospitals with family knows how long the days can be waiting for surgery to be over, or the chemo, or the MRI or PET scans, or just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I Wish I'd Written This - 7/22/08

The Layers

by Stanley Kunitz

I have walked through many lives,
some of them my own,
and I am not who I was,
though some principle of being
abides, from which I struggle
not to stray.
When I look behind,
as I am compelled to look
before I can gather strength
to proceed on my journey,
I see the milestones dwindling
toward the horizon
and the slow fires trailing
from the abandoned camp-sites,
over which scavenger angels
wheel on heavy wings.
Oh, I have made myself a tribe
out of my true affections,
and my tribe is scattered!
How shall the heart be reconciled
to its feast of losses?
In a rising wind
the manic dust of my friends,
those who fell along the way,
bitterly stings my face.
Yet I turn, I turn,
exulting somewhat,
with my will intact to go
wherever I need to go,
and every stone on the road
precious to me.
In my darkest night,
when the moon was covered
and I roamed through wreckage,
a nimbus-clouded voice
directed me:
"Live in the layers,
not on the litter."
Though I lack the art
to decipher it,
no doubt the next chapter
in my book of transformations
is already written.
I am not done with my changes.

"The Layers" by Stanley Kunitz from The Collected Poems. © W.W. Norton, 2000 from The Writer's Almanac

At Two Months - 7/21/08

I couldn't sleep last night, something kept waking me up.  I can't blame cats this time as they've all gone back home.  I only got the barest glimpse of a presence one time so I'm not sure what it was that kept waking me.  At 3:00 I gave up and got up for awhile.  I realized that it was about this time of night 2 months ago that Warren was making his transition so I said a prayer for his soul to be at peace (and I know that it is) and also for my soul to be at peace with this new life.  I sat up until about 4:10 and then when back to bed.  I was able to sleep then and didn't crawl out of bed this morning until almost noon.

Life is moving on I suppose.  Yesterday Hospice had a memorial service for the patients in their care who died during April and May.  I had said I would go, but I felt so much resistance to it yesterday morning I decided not to.   The kids came over around 4:00 and we took Megan out for a belated birthday dinner and then came back here for ice cream cake.  Then we watched the movie "Independence Day" after Dave got my VCR straightened out.  It was making funny noises after the TV repair guys brought the TV back last week.  I've started watching movies again as they are a great distraction and usually much better fare than the broadcast networks are providing at the moment.  I've thought about joining Netflix but haven't done anything about that yet.  So this is a time when I get to decide what I want to do, and when I want to do it. I get this catalog in the mail sometimes called "Soft Surroundings" and on every other page they've got the words "My Time, My Place, My Self".  I think that will be my new mantra for awhile.  My whole life has been about taking care of other people; now I have to learn to take care of myself, learn how to be just myself and not Cheryl wife of, or mother of, or daughter of.  Is this a developmental stage that most women go through given the time and circumstance?  I suspect this is so.

Tomorrow the Salvation Army is coming to take away a lot of big furniture that I wanted to be gone.  Right now most of it is in the middle of the living room ready to go.  Furniture and its placement was always a bone of contention between Warren and myself.  He was all about how something functioned and I (according to him anyway LOL) was all about how it looked.  I could never quite convince him that you could have it both ways.  So the pieces that are going are arguments that I lost over the years.  Most of it should never have moved here when we sold our house.  Its interesting now that I don't have to compromise, I find myself being more thoughtful about the changes I want to make.  So I'm letting go of things and then I'll see if there is another furniture purge required.   I think what needs to happen after this furniture is gone, is that the main rooms that are all open to each other, the living room, sun room and dining room need to be painted.  Then I need to order my new bookcases and they'll go in the sun room where the sofa is at the moment. 

When we were coming in last night from dinner a neighbor man stopped me just as we were getting on the elevator.  I told the kids to go on up and I stayed to talk to him.  He just wanted to let me know he'd heard about Warren and wanted to see how I was doing.  He is a nurse and does work for hospice as well.  Anyway when I got back upstairs, my son says "So when is your date?"  I had to laugh.  No date people, that particular gentleman is of a different persuasion.

Cat, Cat, Cats - 7/17/08

I've been baby sitting my Grandcats this week; my daughter's 3.  Yes 3!  Jane is 18 and deaf and has lost her ability to effectively manage her own fur coat or to cover up her business in the litter box (Ewww).  She looks like a dirty dust mop and I must say that waking up to the smell of cat business in the middle of the night isn't my favorite thing in the world.  The other two are about a year old and are litter mates but are as different as night and day.  Harley is large and is a calico and Dinah is petite and dark furred.  They're all a little skittish and are taking a long time to warm up to Grandma.

Yesterday my daughter called and left a phone message while I was out.  She was calling the cats on the message.  When I played it back the two young ones went nuts looking for her.  I played it back 3 times for them because it was just so funny to watch.

I had heard rumors that the old cat liked to meow at the top of her lungs in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, but last night was the first time I got to experience that particular thrill.  It not only woke me up, but it freaked out the other two cats as well and propelled them up onto the bed with me which they hadn't done so far.

At 7:30 this morning Dinah was playing with my feet so I figured sleep was over and got up.  I had the alarm set for 8:00 anyway.

I've been toying with the idea of getting a cat but I'm not sure I want to take on the care and feeding of any additional mammals at this time. 

Oh, and yeah, Cosmo the Beta is here too.

Today is my Granddaughter's 16th Birthday.  Happy Birthday Megan!!!!!!

Just So You Know - 7/10/08

Just so you know, I am not crying all day everyday.  Some days I'm quite content.  Some days I'm moving furniture around until I have to take tylenol and put my feet up.  Yesterday I finished shredding the last of the extraneous paper that my husband had saved for his whole life.  It was like an archaeological dig going back through the layers of his and my life together and then back to even earlier times, which we used to call BC (before Cheryl).  I'm just praying to God that he doesn't have more stashes of things that need to be shredded packed away in his garage.  That chore will have to wait until the Granddaughter goes back to school.  Right now I'm focussed on making the house fit my needs since I no longer have to compromise; I've decided to make this place my sanctuary.

Everything Has a Story - 7/9/08

Going through someone else’s accumulation of a lifetime is a chore.  The more you were connected to the person the harder it becomes because the things are filled with sentimental value as well as whatever intrinsic value they might also hold.  What I’ve discovered in going through Warren’s things is that everything has a story attached to it.  Some of the stories I know and they make me smile, but other stories I won’t ever know now and that feels sad to me.

I found some pictures of him yesterday that look as if they were done for a passport or a badge.  They were taken in his early 40’s before he and I got together.  He looked unhappy to me and unloved.  I thought I don’t know the man in that picture.

 He was 48 when we married and I was 35 so he had an entire lifetime that did not include me.  He’d traveled the whole world many times over in his work with NASA, helping to establish the ground satellite tracking stations long before the era of the Tracking and Data Relay Satellite System (TDRSS) made them obsolete.  I am jealous of that time and wish it had been mine as well.

Today I came across a lock of his baby hair his Mother cut when he was a year old.  Touching that red gold softness I am undone.

Grief - A Place Apart June 30, 2008

In times past when a man died, his wife would dress in black for a year to mark the period of mourning.  There was an understanding that grief was a place apart from everyday life; a place where things were inherently different.  What a kindness that was.  In today’s society grief like that would be deemed excessive, almost pathological.   One is encouraged to “get back out there” or “get a hobby”, “get a job”, “volunteer”.   Just do something so that the people around you don’t have to think about their own mortality or that of someone they love.  Sometimes I think it would be better to dress in black, to have the grief seen so it doesn’t have to be spoken.  I would let the widow’s veils form a protective barrier between me and the rest of the world like a bandage on a slow healing wound.  I would take my year apart.

Forms, Forms, Forms - 6/19/08

I can not begin to tell you how much I hate filling out forms.  It seems all I've been doing since Warren died is notifying someone about it and then filling out their pile of forms.  I had one more big package to do yesterday and I looked at it and decided I didn't have a clue where to begin.  This morning I called them and made them walk me through the forms.  That done, I had to scan them all and then print out a copy for my files.  God forbid I should send something out that I don't have documented.  Then I had to go to the bank and get my signature guaranteed.  Then all the forms wouldn't fit in their postage paid envelope so I got a priority mail envelope and spent $4.60 cents to send it.   It just wears me out.

My other diversion is shredding paper.  My husband, bless his heart, was a bit of a pack rat when it came to paper.  So I've been sorting out what to keep (not much) and creating a filing system for that, and shredding the rest that had names or addresses.  If the shredder lasts through all this, I'll be very surprised.  I've taken over his office so that I can run the household from there and have all the files I need at my fingertips.

Emotionally I've discovered there are little grief time bombs all over the house.  I found corn bread in the freezer that I made for him the last time I made pinto beans and that just set me off.  Who cries over corn bread?  The other night it was the bathrobe I'd made for him for our second Christmas together.  I guess over time these things won't be as painful as they are now.  There is no way to get through this without going through this.....damn it.

A Message - 6/11/08

I’ve been a widow for three weeks today.  Funny how time keeps moving away from that moment of ultimate loss.  A part of me is still there sitting by the bed in the hospice center.  I can still hear the silence and feel the warmth of his hand.  The rest of me is left to pick up the pieces of my life and move on with the flow of time.  Yesterday I took my Mother out for dinner to celebrate her 84^th birthday.  I spend days going through papers, notifying financial institutions of his passing, filling out forms, and talking to strangers on the phone who express their condolences.  One woman even apologized for my loss, twice.  Did she have something to do with the cancer or was she just unaware that she was choosing the wrong word?  I’ve become so aware that the words people say to those grieving can ring as hollow and meaningless as a bell in the wilderness.  They mean well, but they can’t begin to plumb the depths.  Even if they themselves have suffered every kind of loss, they have not experienced your loss in your way.  How could they?  They haven’t lived with and loved as you have.  They haven’t breathed your same air.

I find myself sleeping on his side of the bed.  There is a comfort in that.   I can’t eat at the kitchen table.  It just feels too lonely there where we always ate together.  I only cook once a week which will last several days and then I’ll eat salads or graze on vegetables and hard boiled eggs.

Next week my Granddaughter will be out of school for the summer and will be here with me during the week.  I suppose I’ll have to start cooking more regularly again, living more regularly again.

On the night of June 2^nd at 1:37 in the morning, I was lying awake.  I heard a voice very loudly in my left ear.  The voice said “I’m back home now.”  It didn’t frighten me, but it did startle me.  I didn’t recognize the voice.  It seemed male.  I think it was Warren letting me know that he’d made it to the other side.  The last week of his life I talked to him a lot about going home.  The card I chose for the funeral home prayer card said “Going Home”.  I’m grateful for the message.

(The picture is Warren in 1980.)