Goodbye 2009 - 12/31/09

I haven't been here much this year.  I can't say I'm sorry to see 2009 ending.  For me its been a time of dealing with a physical healing that followed too close on the heels of my loss in 2008.  I fully expect 2010 to be a much better, happier year.

I'm having my place painted right now and already have been made happier by some of my wilder color choices.  My Mother, although she hasn't yet seen it, is aghast that my kitchen is now orange.  I have assured her that no matter what color it is, no one will be hurt by it.


To all my friends here on Multiply, I wish you a very happy and prosperous New Year.
 

Its Beginning to Look A lot like Christmas

Its been snowing since 9:00 p.m. last night and will probably keep snowing until tomorrow morning.  We had a foot of snow at noon, and I have no idea how much there is right now.

Done

I'm done, done, done, done, done!  Its funny but just knowing that makes me feel better already. 

This and That

I have one more treatment to go through next Thursday (10/22) and then I'm done, done, done.  I'm pretty sure that after all the radiation, cat scans and x-rays I now glow in the dark and can ditch the night lights.  At least these last 4 weekly treatments aren't as hard on the body as the 5 and a half weeks of daily radiation was.  I'm glad I took a month off to heal before I started the last set.

I haven't been blogging and am not sure I'm ready to commit to it again.  The autumn energy is pulling me into a quieter more contemplative space again.  That being said, my space is about to be invaded by a painter for a week or so.  I've contracted with a young man to do drywall repair, paint my entire condo, and put up some bead board in my breakfast room.  I still have to finish selecting the colors I want so I need to get busy and finish that up...soon.  He'll probably start at the end of the month.  I know he does good work, because he just finished up my brother's house and it looks great.

My Mother has been with me for the last week as my brother and his wife are on vacation.  The cat has finally warmed up to her so that makes her happy.

Update - 9/19/09

I finished up my five and a half weeks of radiation on September 3rd what coincidentally (or maybe not coincidence at all) would have been my husband's 76th birthday.   The treatment was brutal; well the effects of the treatment were brutal.  Its been two weeks and I'm just starting to get some energy back and feel human again.  I decided to take a couple of weeks off before I start the 4 once a week boost treatments.  I'm calling this my "scorched earth" protocol; my own personal Hiroshima.  The doctor and the techs assure me this next part is nothing like what I've been through so far.  I'm hoping that they're right.  I'm so ready to put this all behind me.

On a lighter note, the weather here in Maryland has been beautiful for most of this week, very autumnal.  Its my favorite time of year.

Today I'm going to go visit my Mom and tomorrow I'm planning on making some butternut squash soup and baking some bread.

Enjoy your Saturday.

Half Way There - 8/14/09

I finished my 14th treatment today.  I'm half way through the 5.5 weeks of daily radiation.  I'll be glad when this is all over.  The side effects started kicking in about a week ago (digestive in nature).  I'll spare you the details.  I'm a big fan of Immodium AD now.

This has slowed me down and I haven't been on line much.

Treatment #4 - 7/31/09

The week is done!  I had the 4th treatment.  I was queasy and then sick in the morning but it didn't last long.  Another nap was in order after driving home in the heavy rain/wind storm.

Treatment #3 - 7/30/09

Another uneventful day in radiation land and I'm still feeling fine.  I did take a nap when I got home this afternoon.  I wasn't planning on it, but the cat insisted.  I'm taking Chinese herbs specifically blended to support people receiving radiation as an adjunct to the treatments and hopefully that will help support me through this.

Treatment #2 - 7/29/09

Today's treatment was uneventful.  I'm felt fine with the exception of some low grade nausea this morning.  The only strange thing that happened all day was that my granddaughter had a seizure just as we got to the front door at home this afternoon.  It didn't last long and she didn't even fall over.  She's fine now.  That's the second one this month.

Treatment #1 - 7/28/09

Well I really had my first radiation treatment today.  Yesterday it turned out to be just x-rays. I don't know if they told me that was going to happen or not, but if they did, I didn't remember.  On the way there yesterday we got stuck in a massive traffic jam.  It turns out that a gas line had ruptured just ahead of where we'd gotten stopped and they weren't letting any cars through.  I had to end up (at the direction of the police) backing up and turning around to take an exit I'd just passed.  It made us 20 minutes late for the appointment (and no that's not why I didn't get a treatment yesterday).  Today there was no traffic mishaps and in fact we were a little early.  When I got on the table for my treatment the table didn't want to work.  How many little signs is the universe sending me that maybe I shouldn't be doing this?  After a few minutes of turning things off and on the got the table to move and got me into position.  The treatment took less than 10 minutes.  It didn't hurt and I don't feel any effects from it yet.

And that boys and girls was my day.

First Treatment - 7/27/09

I'm off for my first radiation treatment this afternoon.  Only nine and a half weeks to go.

Been There, Done That - 7/21/09

I still haven't heard from the Radiation Center as to when my treatment will begin.  They said last Wednesday they would call me in a couple of days once the treatment plan was complete.  I figure they probably didn't start the planning until Thursday, so its only been a few business days.  I remember from when Warren had radiation treatment that they have physicists who do the planning on these things, plotting all the angles to ensure that all the areas that need treatment receive it.

It sure feels like "been here, done that" to me.  The difference is, this time I'll be the one on the table.  I decided that I needed to find a different way of thinking about this experience.  A way that would sustain me and keep me strong.  An image came to me of molten metal in the smelting process.  I will use the image of the radiation as the heat that will burn off the dross (the impurities) leaving me stronger in the process.  That image feels like a strong place to center myself from in all this.

I can do this.

Nine and a Half Weeks - 7/14/09

Yesterday I had my consult with radiation oncology.  They recommended that I do have radiation because my tumor had penetrated more than half way through the uterine wall and into the vaginal cuff.  This they told me greatly increases my risk for a recurrence of cancer in those areas of my body, even though all of the affected tissue was removed during surgery.  The risk is increased due to the proximity to small lymph cells (or at least that's what I think she said). 

That being said, I will have five and a half weeks (Monday through Friday) of daily radiation to the pelvic area and then an additional four weeks of once a week radiation that will be more directed to the area where the cervix used to reside.  Tomorrow I go for the simulation.  They'll do a CAT scan and mark my tummy with little dots that the machine will use to line up to assure accuracy of the treatments.  I was told that after the sim, it will take them several days to plot out the treatment plan.  I suspect that I will begin next week some time.

There of course will be some side affects to this treatment.  I'm hoping that most of them will be temporary and just a minor inconvenience.

Nine and a half weeks will put me to the end of September and then whatever time on top of that to get back to some semblance of normal.  I guess I won't be going to Florida this summer, and by the time I'm well enough to travel, it may be the heart of winter in the Pacific Northwest.  I was really looking forward to doing some traveling too.

There are no guarantees in life.  Perhaps if I'd have taken care of this when I first started having a problem, I wouldn't have needed this additional treatment.  I can't go back and change the past, and I certainly don't think there would have been time for me to have had surgery in the months before Warren died.  So I'll do what needs to be done now and pray that this will take care of the future as well.

27% -- 6/30//09

I'm recovering nicely from my recent surgery.  However, the final pathology report showed that I did indeed have some cancer of the endometrium which had microscopically invaded the cervix.  I guess I was one of the 27% percent who would develop cancer from the asplasia.  I was so sure I didn't have cancer and would never have it, that these last few days has been very surreal for me.  How could I be that wrong?  What else am I wrong about?

I'm scheduled to meet with a radiation oncologist on the 13th of July to get a recommendation on whether I'll need radiation or not.  I'll bet there is a PET scan or CAT scan in my future before she'll make a decision.

The surgeon said they think they got it all (don't they always think that?) but the cancer does not appear to have spread outside of the uterus.

This is starting to piss me off.

A Wedding and a Health Update - 6/16/09

Yesterday my son David married his fiance Jennifer.  They went to the court house and did the deed and then called to tell me.  We'll have a party to celebrate once I'm done recovering from my surgery.  I'm very happy for them and wish them a long and happy life together.   I guess I now have 3 more grandchildren from this union; Amber, Brittaney and Nicholas.

I had my surgery on Thursday the 11th and did quite well.  No problems.  I'm already driving again and really not having much discomfort at all.  Today is the last day for the antibiotics and I go back to see the surgeon on the 27th.   The initial pathology showed no cancer and I expect that further testing will have the same result.  I already feel tons better than I did before the operation.  I have more energy and enthusiasm for life.  I guess the problems I'd been having were really dragging me down more than I thought at the time.   The worst part of the whole experience was the bowel prep before hand (think colonoscopy prep).  Its too bad they couldn't have just done that too while I was in there.  That's still on my "to do" list for this year.

In the Medical Zone.....Again - 6/2/09

I made a decision a week or so ago to not delay having the surgery that was recommended for me.  I reached a point where I just felt like putting it off was taking up too much of my energy and holding me back.  Since I made the decision, things have moved quickly.  I met with the surgeon on Saturday and am scheduled for a hysterectomy on June 11th.  He will do the surgery laproscopically so the recovery time will be about 2 weeks as opposed to 2 months.   He told me that 27% of these conditions are cancerous or pre-cancerous.  I pointed out to him that that meant 73% were not.  He just smiled.  I'm fairly sure that its not.

Part of my rationale for putting things off until the Fall was that I spent five years with oconologists in the belly of the whale with Warren and did not want to go there again.  Life takes you where you're supposed to go I guess.  I expect to breeze through this and be back on my feet in record time.

I moved all my old Yahoo 360 blogs over to their new platform Yahoo Profile just to save them.  I'm not sure if I'll use that too.  I'm already on Facebook, Twitter and Multiply how much exposure do I really need?
 

At One Year - 5/21/09

Today marked the first anniversary of Warren's passing.  I got up at 3:45 a.m this morning so that I could light a candle at 4:00 a.m. and sit vigil in remembrance of everything; all the good and all the not so good things.  I talked to him and thanked him for being my husband and for the wonderful life we had together.  Then I told him it was time for me to move forward into whatever life has in store for me.  The vigil felt companionable.  I was not alone and at one point I felt someone stroke the ring finger on my left hand.

I leave you today with a few pictures from our wedding day.




 

Hello Readers - 5/17/09

A few people still check in here from time to time I see. I will probably post something soon because Thursday marks the 1 year mark since Warren's passing. I've actually been doing a little better emotionally for the last couple of weeks.

I plan on making a trip out to the Pacific Northwest this summer to visit a friend and will go to Florida for a couple of weeks with Megan. I have to iron out the details of when, and who will watch my cat Max. I want him to be able to stay at home where he's comfortable. He is too old to be shuffled off to stay with relatives, especially relatives with other pets. He's a loner like me. He and I enjoy our quiet time together.

I'll deal with the health thing in the fall after Megan goes back to school.

Hope your weekend is going well.

At 11 Months - 4/22/09

Yesterday marked 11 months since Warren's passing. I feel like I've entered into "the valley of the shadow of death" that will lead me to the anniversary of one year. How can that much time have passed already? It doesn't seem to get any easier.

My doctor wants me to have a hysterectomy. She has referred me to a gynecological oncologist. I do not have cancer, I have complex atypical endometrial asplasia. Apparently this condition can lead to cancer in 27% of cases. Everyone seems to want to overlook the fact that 73% of cases won't. After spending 5 years submerged in the world of cancer and oncologists with Warren, I can't tell you how much I don't want to go see this doctor. To an oncologist there are only two conditions, cancer and pre-cancer. I have not yet made the appointment. I probably will do this if only to stop the spotting which started a few months before Warren's death.

My granddaughter had her fourth seizure since Christmas day in the back seat of my car on the way home from school last week. So they are upping her medication again. Oh and I also had to have a crown re-done last month. Fun, fun, fun.

I'm tired, probably a little depressed, and so ready for something to shift.

Poetry for Thursday - 4/16/09

The Titanic

by June Robertson Beisch

So this is how it feels, the deck tilting,
the world slipping away as one
sitting at a desk writes a check.

The Titanic went down titanically
like a goddess glittering,
Pinioned to an iceberg, she sank

almost thankfully while tiny mortals
leapt into the sea
and the band played Nearer My God to Thee.

But what happened to the signals of distress?
Nobody believed it was all really happening.
I still can’t believe that it happened to me.

As a child, I stared horrified at the photograph
and the vision of that scene in the moonlit sea.
We will be one of the survivors, we think,
then something looms up like catastrophe.

All life, it seems, is the morning after
and love is the most beautiful of absolute disasters.

"The Titanic" by June Beisch, from Fatherless Woman. © Cape Cod Literary Press, 2004.

Kindred Spirits - 4/10/09

Today marks the second anniversary of my friend Cat's passing.  Friend Cor reminded me this morning with his post of a slide show of pictures taken from Cat's blog.  I met her on Yahoo 360 in January 2007 and she passed on April 10th of the same year.  In that short time, we made a strong connection.  I felt like I'd lost a sister when she left us.  She was a kindred spirit.  Perhaps her greatest gift to me was her long time friend Skylark.  She is now my teacher (though she hates the word) and friend and I love her dearly.  She too is a sister.  I like to think that Cat smiles down on us now and then, probably laughing at all our foibles and misconceptions while she's busy restructuring the afterlife.

Take some time today to remember the kindred spirits who have come into your life, however briefly.

At 10 Months - 3/21/09

I've spent a lot of time crying over the last week or so.  Strength erodes over time, or is it that I've healed enough now to begin to feel again?  Your guess is as good as mine.  I suspect its just part of the process.

A Little Rumi - 3/10/09

“The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along.”

Rumi

Depression Era Meals - 2/27/09

I just love Clara!  There is a whole series of these on YouTube you can watch.  I think I'll make this tonight for my Granddaughter and myself.

Did I Imagine This? - 2/24/09

Last night I was watching television and a commercial came on for the show "Medium".  They showed a picture of Ms. Arquette who plays Allison Dubrois the psychic medium.  Then someone said "You too can have an exciting new career talking to the dead."  Did they actually say that, or did I imagine that they said that?  That is just so weird.  I have been told that I could do that if I so choose.

Sometimes you just get messages that are buried in the mass media.

At Nine Months - Resilience - 2/21/09

Optimism

by Jane Hirshfield

More and more I have come to admire resilience.
Not the simple resistance of a pillow, whose foam returns over and
over to the same shape, but the sinuous tenacity of a tree: finding the
light newly blocked on one side,
it turns in another.
A blind intelligence, true.
But out of such persistence arose turtles, rivers, mitochondria, figs—
all this resinous, unretractable earth.

"Optimism" by Jane Hirshfield, from Given Sugar, Given Salt. © Harper Collins, 2002.

Musical Cars - 2/16/09

We are playing musical cars in my family this week.  How do you play you ask?  Well first off Mom (me) buys a new car which I did the weekend before last.  I bought a Honda CR-V because its dependable and I guess dependable is something I value at this point in my life.



The second step is that my Jeep Liberty is going to live with daughter Jenny and the last step in musical cars is that Jenny's Hyundai is going to live with Dave and Jen so that Jen has a car to use during the day.

(not really her car...found this image on the web.)
 

10 Top Trivia Tips About Cheryl

I borrowed this from my friend Jesa's page because it was just so darned funny.  Try it and post your results here!

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Cheryl!

1. Pacman was originally called Cherylman.
2. More people are killed by Cheryl each year than die in aeroplane accidents.
3. Early thermometers were filled with Cheryl instead of mercury.
4. Contrary to popular belief, Cheryl is not successful at sobering up a drunk person, and in many cases she may actually increase the adverse effects of alcohol.
5. Cheryl was the first Tsar of Russia.
6. The state nickname of Iowa is 'The Cheryl state'.
7. It took Cheryl 22 years to build the Taj Mahal.
8. Banging your head against Cheryl uses 150 calories an hour!
9. Cheryl can sleep with one eye open.
10. The first Cheryl was made in 1853, and had no pedals!

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

At Eight Months - 1/22/09

Yesterday marked the 8th month anniversary of Warren's passing.  I think it was coincidence that I had no energy and felt blah.  I took some Airborne this morning when I first woke up just in case I'm working on getting a cold.  How do you sort out what is grief, what is illness and what is just the dead time of winter?

Maybe that's just what grief is anyway, a dead time for the body and soul to lie fallow for a season.

Happy Birthday Jenny - 1/14/09

Today is the birthday of my firstborn Jenny.  Happy Birthday Jenny!!!!  What I remember about that time was I got the flu when I was 9-months pregnant and couldn't take anything except Sudafed for the symptoms, which was sort of like sticking chewing gum in a hole in a dam.  Didn't much work.  It was cold, cold, cold and we had lots of snow piled up.  I started labor about 6:00 a.m. on a Monday and she was born at 3:02 a.m. on Wednesday.  I woke up from the anesthesia with a black eye.  Back then the anesthesia used didn't really take away the pain, it just made you forget it so you didn't remember having it (I don't know if they still use this or not).  Anyway I had a theory that I was cussing like a sailor and one of the doctors or the nurses just got tired of it.  The official story was I kept banging my head against the side rails on the bed.  When they first brought my baby to me in my room, the nurse said "Here's your little boy!" to which I replied, "I thought I had a girl."  She did a double take and checked the baby and sure enough it was a girl that they'd just wrapped in a blue blanket.  I remember being wheeled out of the delivery room and my then husband saying "She's beautiful, she looks just like me." 

The pediatrition came to the hospital to examine the baby but when he came to see me I was in the shower.  He later called me on the phone (on the phone!!!) to tell me my baby had hydroencephalitus (water on the brain).  I spent that day in hell believing that my child might be brain damaged or might die.  My Mother had had a daughter with that disease that died at birth and one of her aunts had as well so it was an easy theory to believe.  That night when my OB/GYN came in to make rounds, he told me there was nothing wrong with the baby when he delivered her.  A neurologist had been called in and the next morning when I saw her, she was a little miffed and couldn't figure out why she'd been called in as there was nothing wrong with that baby.  Needless to say we didn't keep that pediatrition.  My then Mother-in-law was a  Christian Scientist and she brought some of her church members over that first night to pray over the baby so she thought they had cured her with prayer, and who knows maybe they did.  I'd be the last person on Earth to say it was outside the realm of possibility.

Hope your Birthday is a happy one Jenny.

This Will Make You Feel Smarter - 1/6/09

 If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; your confidence will be restored!

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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'

-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest .

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'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'

--Mariah Carey

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'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,'

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .

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'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'

-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward .

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'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,'

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,'

--A congressional candidate in Texas  

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'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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'I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .'

-- Dan Quayle

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'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?'

--Lee Iacocca

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'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'

-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor .

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'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

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'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.'

--Keppel Enderbery

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'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed, and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

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Feeling smarter yet?

Send it to your brilliant friends.  I just did !!

"The Sixth of January" for the Sixth of January 2009

"The Sixth of January," by David Budbill, from Moment to Moment: Poems of a Mountain Recluse (Copper Canyon Press).

The Sixth of January


The cat sits on the back of the sofa looking
out the window through the softly falling snow
at the last bit of gray light.

I can't say the sun is going down.
We haven't seen the sun for two months.
Who cares?

I am sitting in the blue chair listening to this stillness.
The only sound: the occasional gurgle of tea
coming out of the pot and into the cup.

How can this be?
Such calm, such peace, such solitude
in this world of woe.

Happy New Year - 1/1/08 - Oops I mean 2009

I wish you all a blessed and prosperous New Year and I thank you for all your love and support throughout the last several years.