In times past when a man died, his wife would dress in black for a year to mark the period of mourning. There was an understanding that grief was a place apart from everyday life; a place where things were inherently different. What a kindness that was. In today’s society grief like that would be deemed excessive, almost pathological. One is encouraged to “get back out there” or “get a hobby”, “get a job”, “volunteer”. Just do something so that the people around you don’t have to think about their own mortality or that of someone they love. Sometimes I think it would be better to dress in black, to have the grief seen so it doesn’t have to be spoken. I would let the widow’s veils form a protective barrier between me and the rest of the world like a bandage on a slow healing wound. I would take my year apart.
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This world is crazy. People do not want to acknowledge grief, much less death. Are other cultures better? I don't know. But I do know that people who are grieving are encouraged to do all that you have said as well as given such banalities as "Think of him in a better place", "Sell the house and move in with your son," "You don't want to take too much time off work - better to stay busy", and other truly stupid comments. Worse than that they often leave the mourner alone when he/she does not "perk up" or "snap out of it".
ReplyDeleteA friend of mine was assaulted at her mother's funeral with a doctor who had samples of prozac.
I would love to believe that grief could be assuaged by being busy, getting back out there, going to Hawaii, or moving in with friends. But, as you wisely know, it can't. I think the idea of wearing black for a year is a good one, except in this society, people would point and whisper. "She's the one who's husband...." I would love to give you a year apart to do what you need to do, a year and more if you need it and if society would allow.
Bennett thank you. I may take that year. I don't know why this society thinks that feeling sad is a bad thing that requires medication. Feeling nothing is the thing to be avoided.
ReplyDeletePeople are so afraid of dying, that they fear being near someone who has experieced death in their lives. They want it to go away. To disappear. To not touch them. But it doesn't work that way. You really can't say anything that will make another person feel better. That has to come from within themselves. But I honor your grief, Cheryl, and care about you.
ReplyDeleteThank you Jerene. I think a lot of people don't understand that death is usually a friend when it comes to someone. It comes and says "Your work here is done; your suffering is over."
ReplyDeleteIndeed. Our society is obsessed with the superficial and terrified of the substantial. We'd rather watch trumped up emotional situations on "reality shows" than deal with someone else's real emotions.
ReplyDeleteGod continue to bless and keep you in your mourning my dear!
Thank you Peter.
ReplyDeleteThat reminds me of the verse "Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord, yes says the Spirit, for they rest from their labors, and their works follow them after"
ReplyDeleteThat's what gave me the most comfort when my father died.
Peter, from what you've written about him, your Father had many good works that followed after him. That would give you comfort I'm sure.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you, it would be nice if we could go back to wearing black. I took a year to grieve my Mother, insisted on it. What most don't think about is that there are holidays all year that you have to go through without your loved one. Without that year I would still be grieving now.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed talking about her and Dad too. All the things we did together or little things they would say all the time, but I would always get a look that said 'Why is she talking about them?!' Why do people think once a loved one has passed away that you can no longer talk about them?
Cheryl, I truly admire you for these blogs. You are teaching others that it is OK to grieve and how to go about it. This is a lesson so many need in today's world.
Thank you Nym, but I can only tell people how I grieve. I think we all do it differently. One Christmas family dinner after my Dad died I set a place for him at the table. He graced me with making my rose bush put out 4 roses in December. One for each of the women present.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure the holidays and all of our own special days will be difficult for a long time.
Also I believe it's that people are uncomfortable seeing others grieve - they don't know how to act or what to say - so they'd rather not see it.
ReplyDeleteBut grief is not only necessary it's also a huge growing period in life. Kinda like when you start a new job and everything is really hard for awhile and you want to run away, but you just need to stick it out and learn and grow. Part of living is dying, and if we deny that then we're not allowing ourselves to grow.
Take your year, CJ.
I think people encourage others to stay connected in some way to the living because they fear that the depression and natural sadness and stress of grief can have adverse effects on some. Lack of proper nutrition, lack of sleep, lack of focus and deep sadness can cause some people to just give up. It is well documented that when one partner in a close couple dies, the second one follows shortly behind, frequently within that first year. My parents died 11 months apart. When dad went, mom just gave up.
ReplyDeleteI think it is very necessary to grieve at one's own pace and to take the time needed even if it is uncomfortable for those around you. But I also believe that people who encourage you to stay connected aren't trying to deny you of your time of mourning, they just want you to take care of your mind, body and spirit as well.
Well said Kristin.
ReplyDeleteSharon good points. I have already made my decision to stay on. Not to worry.
ReplyDeleteEvery person is unique and we all deal with grief differently. For someone to say that after someone dies they should get on with their lives in two days of mourning or a preset time period is a ludicrous.statement and not very thoughtful.
ReplyDeleteMy father died in 1973 and our family has still not gotten over it.
A year just barely covers the years spent with a person.
Time does heal but that takes time.
Faith can help you through the tough days ahead.
Erika time is a healer that won't make you forgot your loss it just makes you more comfortable with living with the empty space beside you. Even as I say that I realize that there is no empty space beside me, he fills that space still in spirit and always will.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine what life is like for you at the moment but my heart goes out to you. Even though there is nothing I could say or do to make you feel better, I still would like to try.
ReplyDeleteI constantly worry about my husband because he is a border line Diabetic that smokes and doesn't exercise.
I can't imagine how I will feel or act. I know that it will be the worst day of my life.
Even so I wouldn't change having married him and I hope he feels the same.
Life is not easy if it was we wouldn't have to die.
I lie in bed at night and sometimes I can't sleep because my mortality won't let me.
I get the spins and everything is wobbling like the Earth.
That is when I feel my mortality the most.
I don't know if anything I am saying will help you in your time of need but I hope so.
Ta.