I'm thinking today about what determines who we are. For most of my life I defined who I was through my relationships with family, friends, and co-workers and the roles that I played in their lives. As I got older, I realized that my "way of being" in the world and in those roles could make a significant difference.
By "way of being", I mean by being intentional and consciously choosing how I interacted with others. I slowed down my reactions to people long enough that I began to see who they really were and what they were really bringing to my attention. Many people who were problematic in the work place just wanted to be heard so I listened and did not judge. I learned to not take anything personally because if someone came into my experience who was angry, I could see that they were angry with themselves and it really had nothing to do with me. Some problematic people come bearing gifts. They show you aspects of yourself that perhaps you don't want to look at. That's why you react to them so strongly. If it wasn't you you were seeing, it wouldn't matter so much. Some people bring you life lessons.
I intentionally set out to make my office a sanctuary and many of us called it the Red Tent after reading the book of the same name. Since most of my co-workers were women it seemed apt, but I began to notice that not just women were coming in. Men would also show up and pour out their troubles. They would tell me things I hadn't asked them about. They would show up and start talking as if we were already in the middle of that conversation. Sometimes it felt like a confessional; it felt like I was doing the "real" work during those times.
My Way of Being:
1. Listen
2. Don't judge
3. Don't take anything personally
4. Ask yourself "What is the gift in this situation?"
5. Meet people where they are, its not your job to change them
6. Love unconditionally, even those who are unlovable
7. Understand that everyone you meet is doing the best they can at that moment
So this rambling brings me back to my question of who am I? I've told you who I was, but who am I now? I have to tell you I'm still trying to figure that part out. When I retired and my husband died, I lost two of my major identifiers, my anchors so to speak. Then the lesson of health was amplified again with my own illness. In many ways life was erasing what was already on my page in order to write something new. I'm starting to look forward to seeing what that new might be.
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"I've told you who I was, but who am I now?"
ReplyDeleteYou said you defined who you were by your relationships, and then specified your 'way of being' as how you interacted within those relationships. Now that your relationships have all changed, do you feel your way of being is different than it was?
Could the question be more in line with what your new relationships will be and less with who you are? Or are you saying these new relationships will determine who the new you will be?
Love the blog. Forgive me if the questions are too personal. They are just the first things your writing brought to mind. You don't even have to answer.
This could not have come at a better time for me. When I retired, I was happy to leave the early morning wake-ups, the over-large case-load, and so forth. I had just a small inkling that my job was an anchor for me; a purpose. Then I became the caretaker for husband/father/mother-in-law. But who am I now? I still have relationships, but I am trying to work out who I am outside of those. Is there a Me outside of taking care of others? What do I do when their needs conflict with mine? Stay tuned.
ReplyDeleteI love your Way of loving even those who are unlovable. They need it the most.
Thank you for the reminder. =)
ReplyDeleteSharon, there will always be relationships, but perhaps there won't always be anchors. I think I'm trying to determine (as Bennie so eloquently put it) find who I am without others/outside of my relationships. I still live by the rules of engagement that I posted in the blog. They still have value despite the changes in my life.
ReplyDeleteThere is a you outside of those relationships and the care giving. Enjoy the journey of discovery.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a big issue for so many people who have consciously focused their lives on service, regardless of the form of service--work, family, something else. If there comes a time, and often there does, where we are no longer needed in the old ways, finding new forms of meaning and texture to our lives becomes an important issue.
ReplyDeleteThe question, "Who am I *really*?" comes up. A Buddhist might say, "No one--you're a collection of ideas and behaviors (skandhas) that change constantly as you interact with your environment. There is no core you." Lots of people would disagree with this, and of course, I have my own ideas about it. I think there is a core, continuing "you" and that it is growing and changing, right along with the rest of the universe.
This became, for me, an issue of great interest, when I unexpectedly change situation radically and had to accept help rather than giving it. When you've based your life on service, what happens when your "service" becomes letting others help you? What happens when you can't do what you used to do? What happens when you don't know what to do? Not everyone asks these questions, but those of us who do can get quite tangled in them.
Traditionally, people looking for purpose have focused on spirituality to find answers. Often that works. Sometimes it doesn't. The study of philosophy... well, some find it helpful, I didn't. However, what has been giving me a sense of who I've become is a spirituality based on two things: nature and creativity. Walking in the woods, working in a garden (however small), sitting with a tree. Then the attempt to put the resulting feelings and learning into some form--writing, any form of art, photography, cooking. These are the things that I find helpful in giving me a sense of who I am, what I do, what my life is for. It almost feels like all the rest of it has been a prolonged educational process that enables me to be here Now--sometimes. I think I'm getting better at it. ;-)
Forgive me, please, for waffling on so long, but I got rolling and needed to follow it through.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you did, jesamac, it was relevant to me.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm glad you did too. I always value your input.
ReplyDeleteWhat an awesome lesson. Thank you for giving me something to think about. It's a joy to grow with you!
ReplyDeleteThanks Nym.
ReplyDeleteI remember how hard it was when your husband died. But, you were very open about it and I think it likely facilitated your healing process.
ReplyDeleteI am looking forward to knowing the new you, Cheryl.
You are an expressive person and the fact that you share your very inner feelings with us is very helpful for others that may be going through similar problems.
Thanks.
Erika
Thanks Erika.
ReplyDelete