Who Am I? - 1/21/2011

I'm thinking today about what determines who we are.  For most of my life I defined who I was through my relationships with family, friends, and co-workers and the roles that I played in their lives.  As I got older, I realized that my "way of being" in the world and in those roles could make a significant difference.

By "way of being", I mean by being intentional and consciously choosing how I interacted with others.  I slowed down my reactions to people long enough that I began to see who they really were and what they were really bringing to my attention.  Many people who were problematic in the work place just wanted to be heard so I listened and did not judge.  I learned to not take anything personally because if someone came into my experience who was angry, I could see that they were angry with themselves and it really had nothing to do with me.  Some problematic people come bearing gifts.  They show you aspects of yourself that perhaps you don't want to look at.  That's why you react to them so strongly.  If it wasn't you you were seeing, it wouldn't matter so much.  Some people bring you life lessons.

I intentionally set out to make my office a sanctuary and many of us called it the Red Tent after reading the book of the same name.  Since most of my co-workers were women it seemed apt, but I began to notice that not just women were coming in.  Men would also show up and pour out their troubles.  They would tell me things I hadn't asked them about.  They would show up and start talking as if we were already in the middle of that conversation.  Sometimes it felt like a confessional; it felt like I was doing the "real" work during those times.

My Way of Being:

1.  Listen
2.  Don't judge
3.  Don't take anything personally
4.  Ask yourself "What is the gift in this situation?"
5.  Meet people where they are, its not your job to change them
6.  Love unconditionally, even those who are unlovable
7.  Understand that everyone you meet is doing the best they can at that moment

So this rambling brings me back to my question of who am I?  I've told you who I was, but who am I now?  I have to tell you I'm still trying to figure that part out.  When I retired and my husband died, I lost two of my major identifiers, my anchors so to speak.  Then the lesson of health was amplified again with my own illness.  In many ways life was erasing what was already on my page in order to write something new.  I'm starting to look forward to seeing what that new might be.