A Discovery - 5/30/08

When I was organizing Warren's desk to suit my needs yesterday,  I came across this picture taken of me sometime in 1980 or 1981 right before we got married.  I can't believe how young I look.

The Teacher Most Difficult to Ignore - 5/25/08

"Loss is the hardest thing," I said.  "But it's also the teacher that's the most difficult to ignore."..."Grief can destroy you - or focus you.  You can decide a relationship was all or nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone.  Or you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn't allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it.  But when it's over and you're alone, you begin to see it wasn't just a movie and a dinner together, not just watching sunsets or worrying over a high electric bill.  It was everything, it was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it.  The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can't get off your knees for a long time, you're driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what preceded the loss.  And the ache is always there, but one day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life."

Dean Koontz - "Odd Hours"

A Good Day to Die - May 21st 2008

Warren passed away about 4:00 a.m. this morning.  I was sleeping next to the hospital bed when he left.  I had a feeling that he couldn't leave me when I was "there" and so it was.  I guess today was a good day to die.  The rain has stopped and the sun is shining.  My children are on their way over so we can go to the funeral home to make the arrangements.

Sometime in the next few weeks I'll talk more about the experience because to walk this path with someone you love is profound, but for now I must take care of the business end of dying.

Thanks to all who commented on my last post.  You prayers and well wishes are greatly appreciated.

Where I am - 5/20/08

 Warren suffered another series of seizures on Mother's Day that significantly degraded his condition.  On Tuesday, May 13th he had to be transferred to the in-patient hospice facility.  I've been there with him since.  I expect the end will come in the next day or two.  He is sedated to control his pain and is sleeping peacefully.  We've already said our good-byes.

I'll post more once I'm back at home as I don't have access to my computer and won't be checking back on this page until then.

Falls - 5/6/08

Warren fell twice over the weekend.  The first time, he was in the process of getting up from his chair when he got dizzy and grabbed the swivel/recliner for support.  The swivel/recliner proceeded to both swivel and recline and then so did he.  He landed on his rump but didn't hurt himself and was able to get up off the floor with a little help from me.  I heard him fall and came running out of the bedroom half dressed.  Now that must have been a sight, but luckily no one else was there to see it.  On Sunday morning, he'd been in his office and left the phone off the hook.  As I'm going in there to fix the phone (which by now is beeping wildly), he decides he's going in there too and gets up too fast and over he goes.  This time he hit his forehead on the carpet and has lovely carpet burns across about a 4 inch wide area.  Its got a big bandage on it for now.  Last night he got dizzy getting up from the dinner table but I was able to get a chair under him before he went down.  He's starting to look a little worse for wear.  His foot is still black and blue from the first fall; although the bruising is starting to dissipate a little.  He has sores on the inside of both knees from an allergic reaction to aloe vera cream which have to be kept bandaged and now he has the big bandaid on his head. 

I now am back to walking with him everywhere again.  That means getting  up several times during the night too to take him to the bathroom.  He told me yesterday that he just wanted "this" to be over with.  I asked him what he was waiting for, but he said he didn't know.  I sure hope its not that economic incentive check from the Government.

I am learning so much through all this.  I am learning that patience isn't just about enduring; patience is about honoring the life and process of another person.  I'm learning practical skills like wound care and how to give a suppository.   I'm learning how to pray from my heart.

The other morning I was talking to God giving him my "poor me" speech about how I didn't know how much more of this I could take.  A little later when I went to check my email, I saw my daily horoscope one.  The title of that email said "Things will change when the time is right."  Answers can come from anywhere if you are open to receiving them.