Entry for Thursday, November 30, 2006 - November Winding Down

Fall is winding down along with November.  Tomorrow is the beginning of meteorological winter.  I can say that with a smile as it was 70 degrees today.  The turning to December 1 is expected to bring with it colder temperatures.  Even as we speak, the midwest is being hammered with blizzard-like conditions.  I think I heard that we'll have strong winds and rain.  We're off to NIH tomorrow for more chemo.  Warren will also begin another round of physical therapy to help improve the range of motion in his shoulder.

Have a good night.  I've run out of things to say. 

Entry for Wednesday, November 29, 2006 - I Went Shopping...I'm not Going Back

Now I remember why I did all my holiday shopping for the last few years over the internet!  I went out this afternoon to pick up some things for Christmas presents and came home with only a universal lid to replace the lid I shattered recently.  Its so much easier to shop on-line.  You can quickly hone in on exactly what you're looking for.  You don't have to wander up and down all the aisles trying to find something.  You might see something you like, but can't find it anywhere in a box.  No one is around to help....well that's not exactly true.  One gentleman was helping me in "Bed, Bath &  Beyond", that's how I found the lid.  I think I'm done with retail....its E-Tail all the way.

Entry for Tuesday, November 28, 2006 - In the Middle

I found this lovely poem on the Writer's Almanac.  Warren started another series of his chemo today.  He seems to have more range of motion in his arm.  They want him to take at least another 5 days of antibiotics even though they never found any infectious agents.  I kind of was pushing the doctors today on why they won't admit that it "could" be the shots but I didn't make much headway.  Later I said to one of the nurses "If it looks like a horse, and smells like a horse and eats oats like a horse, its a horse".  The doctors would like to have it remain a mystery.  One said, "I don't have a crystal ball."  So I said, "Well, I do, but that's another story."  One then said "Can I make an appointment with you?"  Then another one said "Maybe we should be studying you."  And I thought, "Maybe someday you will." :-)

Poem: "In the Middle" by Barbara Crooker, from Yarrow. © 1998

In the Middle



of a life that's as complicated as everyone else's,

struggling for balance, juggling time.

The mantle clock that was my grandfather's

has stopped at 9:20; we haven't had time

to get it repaired. The brass pendulum is still,

the chimes don't ring. One day you look out the window,

green summer, the next, and the leaves have already fallen,

and a grey sky lowers the horizon. Our children almost grown,

our parents gone, it happened so fast. Each day, we must learn

again how to love, between morning's quick coffee

and evening's slow return. Steam from a pot of soup rises,

mixing with the yeasty smell of baking bread. Our bodies

twine, and the big black dog pushes his great head between;

his tail is a metronome, 3/4 time. We'll never get there,

Time is always ahead of us, running down the beach, urging

us on faster, faster, but sometimes we take off our watches,

sometimes we lie in the hammock, caught between the mesh

of rope and the net of stars, suspended, tangled up

in love, running out of time.

Entry for Monday, November 27, 2006 - Aura of a Migraine

Gill Knox, Migraine aura, digital image, 2003. ©

I wonder if I'm even supposed to post this or not.  I had finished the blog, went to post and the system kicked me back to log into Yahoo.  Then when I got back, my post was gone.  There wasn't even the little *Recover last  entry* notice.  I'm going to try again anyway.

On Saturday morning I woke up with a visual disturbance in my left eye, the aura of a migraine, similar to the one pictured above (but less purple and more refractive).  In my 30's and 40's this would have meant that I was about to get kicked in the head by a horse (metaphorically that is).  A migraine was coming!  I never got any pain this time and the disturbance only lasted 30 minutes or so.  Only long enough for me to take notice of it really.  I even wondered at the time if it were mine or not.  You see sometimes I pick up other people's symptoms or pain.  I've learned to recognize what is mine and what is passing through.  And *passing through* is what really needs to happen.  This is  called empathy.  Being an empath is like being a sponge, and if you're not vigilant you'll soak up too much environmental (energetic, physical or emotional) stuff that doesn't need to be in your life's experience.  Some of the ways I've learned to recognize mine from other is: 1) Is there relevance to my current body conditions?; 2)  Is there emotion that comes with it that is foreign to my current emotional state; and 3) Am I in physical or emotional proximity to someone who is experiencing this problem?

If that was your aura, I send you lots of healing energy.

Have a great day.

 

 

Entry for Sunday, November 26, 2006 - Just to Get You in the Mood

For some reason over breakfast I started playing with putting our medical life to music for the holidays.  So just to get you in the mood for Christmas, sing along with me now (to the tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas".  Enjoy

 

                                          The 12 Days of NIH Christmas 

On the first day of Christmas, my good nurse gave to me:  a saline bag through an IV

 

On the second day of Christmas, my good nurse gave to me:  2 heated blankets

            And a saline bag through an IV

 

On the third day of Christmas, my good nurse gave to me: 3 needles sticking

            2 heated blankets

            And a saline bag through an IV

 

On the fourth day of Christmas, my good nurse gave to me: 4 hours waiting

3 needles sticking

2 heated blankets

            And a saline bag through an IV

           

On the fifth day of Christmas, my good nurse gave to me: 5 EKG's

            4 hours waiting

3 needles sticking

2 heated blankets

            And a saline bag through an IV

 

On the sixth day of Christmas, my good nurse gave to me: 6 ports a flushing

            5 EKG's

            4 hours waiting

3 needles sticking

2 heated blankets

            And a saline bag through an IV

 

On the seventh day of Christmas, my good nurse gave to me: 7 chemos dripping

6 ports a flushing

5 EKG's

            4 hours waiting

3 needles sticking

2 heated blankets

            And a saline bag through an IV

 

On the eighth day of Christmas, my good nurse gave to me: 8 tubes for blood draws

            7 chemos dripping

6 ports a flushing

5 EKG's

            4 hours waiting

3 needles sticking

2 heated blankets

            And a saline bag through an IV

 

On the nineth day of Christmas, my good nurse gave to me: 9 doctors looking

            8 tubes for blood draws

7 chemos dripping

6 ports a flushing

5 EKG's

            4 hours waiting

3 needles sticking

2 heated blankets

            And a saline bag through an IV

 

On the tenth day of Christmas, my good nurse gave to me: 10 labs reporting

            9 doctors looking

            8 tubes for blood draws

7 chemos dripping

6 ports a flushing

5 EKG's

            4 hours waiting

3 needles sticking

2 heated blankets

            And a saline bag through an IV

 

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my good nurse gave to me: 11 shots a stinging

            10 labs reporting

9 doctors looking

            8 tubes for blood draws

7 chemos dripping

6 ports a flushing

5 EKG's

            4 hours waiting

3 needles sticking

2 heated blankets

            And a saline bag through an IV

 

On the twelth day of Christmas, my good nurse gave to me: 12 days on break

            11 shots a stinging

10 labs reporting

9 doctors looking

            8 tubes for blood draws

7 chemos dripping

6 ports a flushing

5 EKG's

            4 hours waiting

3 needles sticking

2 heated blankets

            And a saline bag through an IV

Warren said "I've finally lost it."  What do you think?

 

Entry for Saturday, November 25, 2006 - Getting Better

Warren got home from the hospital yesterday afternoon.  He's still on antibiotics and pain medication but seems to be doing some better.  He slept well last night and has been resting today in front of TV (football of course) most of the day.  I think the past week took more out of me than I thought because I'm still just wiped out.

How many times do we get 65 degree weather at the end of November in Washington?  Not many that's for sure.  I didn't go to my Mother's today because I didn't want to leave him alone while he's on the pain meds.  I'm probably being overly cautious, but I'd rather err on the side of caution.  I think it was important for me to rest this weekend too.  Its not like we don't have to go back to NIH on Tuesday to maybe start the next series of chemo.

I seem to be dreaming about cars alot lately.  One night this week I dreamed I had parked my car and then decided I wanted to move it to another spot.  As I was doing that, my foot slipped off the brake and I ran into the back of a red corvette that was owned by a female undercover cop.  I know that in dreams cars represent your own physical body, but I'm too tired to try to figure out the rest of that one.

Enjoy the sunshine tomorrow. 

Entry for November 24, 2006 - Coming Home Today

Sorry if yesterday's blog had a little bit of "poor me" included.  I didn't think I was feeling that but something of that genre was sure peaking through wasn't it?  I spoke to Warren about an hour ago and found out that they will be releasing him from the hospital this afternoon.  Apparently the redness is all gone from his arm; but the swelling and the pain aren't.  My sister-in-law sent me something she found this morning on the pneumococcal vaccine.

"The CDC recommends that people 65 and older get the pneumococcal vaccine. The shot is safe and can be given at the same time as the flu shot...About half of the people who get the shot have minor side effects - temporary swelling, redness, and soreness at the place on the arm where the shot was given.  A few people (less than 1 percent) have fever, muscle pain, or more serious swelling and pain on the arm.

Since they've been unable to identify any infectious agents, (and haven't I been saying all along that it had to be the shots????) I am inclined to think that he had the 1% reaction.

Releasing from the hospital can take all day, so I don't know exactly when we'll get out of there, but hopefully it won't be too late.

Entry for Thursday, November 23, 2006 - My Thanksgiving Day

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.  I hope your table was filled with family, food, friends, and fun.  Our family had a different Thanksgiving this year.  Plan A was that my brother and sister-in-law were hosting dinner; Plan B was I was hosting dinner; Plan C - well there was no plan C.  Note to self: "Christmas plans should include Plan C".  My kids had dinner with a friend's family (thank you Sharon).  My Mom had dinner with my other brother and his wife.  Plan A's brother and his family had dinner by themselves (they are all sick).  Warren finally was allowed to eat this afternoon and had a traditional turkey dinner at NIH.  I had a bowl of leftover, homemade split pea soup.

Since I had already thawed my turkey preparing for Plan B, I put it in the oven when I got back from the hospital tonight.  Its still baking.  I'll carve it and put it in the freezer for when Warren gets home.

The doctors seem to think he is somewhat better today.  The arm is still swollen and painful, but a little less red.  They've weaned him off of the IV antibiotics and started him on the oral antibiotics.  If he continues to improve, then maybe they'll let him come home on Saturday.  All of the tests have come back negative so far.  I don't know what the hell that means, by the way.

Sleep well.

Entry for November 22, 2006 - Events of the Day

Right before we left for the hospital today I got a good look at Warren's whole left arm.  It was swollen from the bicep area to down below the elbow.  The injection site was high up on his shoulder.  No one suggested we look at his whole arm.  So we went to NIH and they admitted him to the hospital this evening.  They aren't sure what's actually wrong with him.  They've ruled out a blod clot and an abscess.  They also don't think its was from the flu shot and the pneumonia vaccine (terribly coincidental that it all began 2 hours after those two shots don't you think?)  They are thinking now its some kind of infection and he's on 3 types of antibiotics via IV.  One doctor thought it looked like a strep infection of the skin (since this morning the skin on his arm has gotten red).  He's been looked at by surgeons, infectious disease specialists...just about everyone at NIH today.  Next year we are opting for Flu instead of the shot.

I was supposed to fix Thanksgiving dinner in lieu of my sister-in-law whose family is sick, but I've called everyone now and postponed Thanksgiving to an undetermined date when Warren is out of the hospital.

I'll be going to the hospital tomorrow to spend the day with him.  He's not allowed to eat right now in case they have to do surgery (what surgery I have no idea at this point).  So Thanksgiving is going to be a total washout from a food standpoint anyway.  Perhaps tomorrow they'll know what kind of bug it is and can narrow down the focus of the antibiotics so that he can switch over to oral meds.  Maybe then I can spring him by Friday.

I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Entry for Wednesday, November 22, 2006 - Living on the Edge

Living on the edge is hard. Warren still has no real use of his left arm, but the pain is less (unless he tries to use the aforementioned left arm that is). The arm is not swollen, or red at the injection site. He's not running a fever. This is a hard thing to figure out. My gut instinct tells me that its related to the surgery (they removed the juglar vein on that side too) and the fact that the drainage on that side of his body is compromised. It seems that because the body is taking longer to move the vaccines from the injection area, that the muscles have become irritated. He still can't sleep in bed and spent another night in the recliner.

More later. We just spoke to his primary doctor at NIH and she wants to see him this morning. Hi ho, Hi ho, its up Rte. 29 we go (again)!

Entry for Tuesday, November 21, 2006 - Pain

Birthday's are usually a mixed bag.  Its a fun, happy day, or it can be filled with challenges.  Sometimes its both on the same day.  Things were going along pretty well yesterday until sometime during my acupuncture treatment when Warren's left arm began to really hurt.  He'd received both the flu shot and the pnuemonia vaccine in his left shoulder.  This is the same side where he'd had the radical neck dissection.  He was hurting so bad by the time we got home (about 4:00 p.m.) that he took 2 tylenol with codeine that he had left over from when he got his mediport put in in June.  He got no relief from that so, 4 hours later he upped the ante by taking a hydrocodon tablet.  That didn't help him either.  Last night about 10:00 p.m. we called the in-patient hospital at NIH and he talked to the call nurse and an on-call oncologist and they suggested that he take 2 tylenol.  He stayed in his recliner all night and didn't get much sleep.  This morning we called the hospital back and they think he's had too much pain medication so he's back to one 650 miligram tylenol tablet every six hours.  His pain last night was at a 10 on a scale of 1-10 (with 10 being the highest).  Today the pain is down to a 6 or a 7.  He has almost no mobility in that arm either.  He was not able to go with me to my daughter's for dinner last night.

My daughter cooked me a lovely dinner and surprised me by having a dining room table and chairs in her dining room.  I didn't know she had gotten them and was expecting to perch in a living room chair to eat my dinner.  My son brought the cake.  We had a good time.

I'm not sure why Warren had such a bad reaction to his shots.  I hope that he'll be better tomorrow.

Entry for Monday, November 20, 2006 - Officially a Crone Now

Well here it is.  I've officially entered my 6th decade of life.  Today I turned 60.  Now instead of saying "I'm on the pretty side of 60", I'll have to say "I'm on the pretty side of 65".  I think I liked being 59 better.  I think that after the age of 20, any number with a "0" is not welcomed in women.  But it is just another day in my journey and I will get over the shock I know.

I'll celebrate the day by going to NIH (who didn't see that coming?).  Warren has an ENT clinic visit this morning and then he'll get his flu shot and pneumonia vaccine.  This afternoon I'm going to the acupuncturist's and this evening we're going to my daughter's for dinner.

My horoscope from today's Washington Post:  "Today's Birthday Nov. 20:  You find new people to care about, passions to cultivate and wonders to unfold this year.  It's not a year of fighting, in fact, you agree to give up struggle in December.  Rather, you turn toward the sun and walk.  Spring brings many ways to improve business.  Take the money in April.  Reinvest it in May.  You hit it off with Cancer and Aquarius people."

I can't get the commercial out of my head this morning.  You know the one with the midget (I think its a car insurance commercial) and the midget is dancing and singing "It's my birthday, got my car fixed, fixed my bumper...."

Entry for Tuesday, November 07, 2006 - Acute MI, Oh My!!

Last night I was musing on my weekend and was thinking how good it felt to temporarily break free from cancer's massive gravitational pull.   Most of the time it feels as if we're orbiting some large dark object.  This morning it was off to NIH to start week 8 of this series.  Warren went to get his first EKG of the day and I got my latte and went up to the 13th floor to wait for him.  When he got there, he said "there is a problem with my EKG this morning."  I looked at it and it had a big box around letters that said "ACUTE MI".  MI?  MI?  What does that mean?  He didn't know and I didn't know.  We sat and talked until 8:00 a.m. when he could go in and get his blood drawn.  When the nurse saw the EKG, all hell broke loose.  MI, it turns out means Myocardial Infarction, which means heart attack!  Wait a minute.  He had no pain, no shortness of breath, his oxygen saturation was 100%.  They paged the doctor, talked about putting him in the hospital and then started comparing his EKG to Friday's EKG.  There was almost no difference.  In fact, there wasn't anything in the EKG to suggest that there was a problem except for the flag at the top with the scarey words in it.  Things began to calm down again and eventually sanity prevailed.  There was nothing wrong with him.  No one could understand why the EKG person didn't retake the test, or why she didn't call a Code Blue there, or why she sent him off to walk to his next location.  I'm sure someone is going to be getting their hand slapped over that one!

Surprisingly, I stayed calm throughout this morning.  I knew there was nothing wrong with him.  I'm sure glad that didn't happen Friday when I wasn't there.  I would have felt guilty about being gone.

Today's picture is a view from the other side of the mountain from yesterday.  This was right across the street from where we were staying.

Entry for Monday, November 06, 2006 - The Hills Weren't Alive with the Sound of Music

We had a beautiful weekend in the mountains of Virginia!  We rented a house in the Wintergreen Ski resort.  Luckily they hadn't started making snow there yet, so there were few people and it was peaceful and quiet.  The weather was spectacular, albeit cold....and there was a hot tub!  And the colors!!!  They might have been a little past peak, but they were spectacular none the less.  It was a perfect weekend with wonderful friends. 

The only fly in our ointment so to speak was the fact that the CD player in our beautiful mountain retreat wouldn't read CD's.  We'd brought lots of music, but instead tuned into the music of the mountains, our laughter and each other.

Entry for Friday, November 03, 2006 - Bye

I'm getting ready to leave for my weekend away with my girl friends.  This has been in the *planning* stages since July and we just finalized the plans last night.  Getting on the road is the hardest part of going somewhere.  The woman who is leaving her car at my place just called as she just got on the road.  She had a phone call at 6:30 a.m. from work and has been sending emails and making phone calls since then.  Seems she'll also be on a telecon at 10:30 this morning while we're on the way.  Have I mentioned lately that I'm SO GLAD I'M RETIRED?  Well I am.  My life has enough stress as it is, thank you very much.

So gentle readers, I'm off to have a wonderful weekend, with a group of phenomenal women and I hope your weekend is just as wonderful.

Entry for Thursday, November 02, 2006 - All Souls Day

First I must make a correction to the entry I made yesterday about the Mexican Day of the Dead.  I know I read somewhere that the holiday had been moved, but that source was incorrect.  This holiday also falls on All Souls Day.  Lesson Learned:  Not all information on the internet is correct!  (What a concept)  So today, take a few moments to pray for the souls of the departed, and thank your ancestors that came before you and paved the way.

Today will be a busy day.  I have not yet started packing for my big weekend away with the "girls".  I'm going to go get the oil changed in my car in a few minutes.  After lunch, I'll do my Mom's grocery shopping for the week then Warren and I will head up there to spend the afternoon with her and have dinner.  Then when we get home (if I haven't done it before I leave), I'll have to pack!!!

I won't be posting anything again until Monday, so I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

Entry for Wednesday, November 01, 2006 - All Saints Day

Welcome to all Saints Day.  You will remember it from yesterday's blog.  The early church created this day to give honor to all the saints in heaven and to surplant the pagan holiday of Samhain.  Interestingly enough, the Mexican Day of the Dead used to be at this time of year as well, but was moved to April.  I don't remember why (if I ever knew) perhaps its like daylight savings time, more sunlit hours.  And don't we all want to celebrate the dead in the light of day rather than at night?

I spent many hours yesterday afternoon reading the blogs of two gentlemen that have recently been highlighted in Yahoo as being "Interesting".  One is a retired man who spends his time travelling and writing about it.  The interesting thing is that his writing is all in a form of free flowing poetry (not the rhyming type).  The cadence of his poetry has a meditative quality to it that is quite delightful.  I even commented on one of his entries (something I almost never do) that reading his blog was "like a walking meditation".  You feel like you are walking the streets of Williamsburg, or where ever he is along side taking it all in.  If you too would like to experience his work, check out this link:

http://360.yahoo.com/profile-hh0ZOVoldKscPmq2elzSSlY-

The second *interesting* blog is written by an American Zen Buddist Priest.  He is 59, was a psychotherapist, was shot in the head in Vietnam and has (by his own admission) early-stage Alzeimer's disease.  There is a deep inner peace in this man's writings that you might want to check out as well.  The link is: http://360.yahoo.com/profile-8UCds6EzbqKTTvGuFj8lDV.O

After reading these blogs yesterday and noticing that they each have a distinctive voice in their writings, I began thinking about my own writings.  Where is my voice?  As I look back through my entries I seem to jump around from topic to topic.  Do I have a consistent voice?  Can one even tell on their own writing?  Does it even matter?  Perhaps I'm just still in the "finding my voice" place of transition from my working world to my retirement world.

On a side note, I was awakened sometime after 2:00 a.m. this morning by two loud raps on the wall (or the door).  I saw or heard nothing more.  This has happened to me before when someone/something has been trying to get my attention.  We'll have to see what happens next.